Don’t expect me to call you; not even if you are close family. It terrifies me to the point of causing stomach upset. I was never so happy as when the internet saved me from having to order a pizza. Yes, ordering a pizza required at least an hour or two of telling myself that it would be okay. Calling somebody can take me days to do because the fear can just be too much so I think of excuses not to do it.Even texting is nerve racking for me but it is better than an actual phone call. I will write and erase a text several times. This is just part of what life with this disorder is like. I feel sorry for my kids. They bring home invitations for birthday parties or phone numbers for friends they want to go visit and I am scared to call these people. Right now in a drawer is a number for my 6-year-old’s best friend and I just can’t call that number. My husband still doesn’t get it as he is known to ask me to call in food orders or make appointments. You can’t really explain something so totally irrational. I know deep down that nothing horrible will happen if I call my dad, I love talking to him, but it still scares me.
If I missed a class in school or a day of work because I was sick I could hardly bring myself to go back. I was terrified that everyone would be staring and wondering where I had been. In college this caused me to just drop some classes and I never did graduate. I’ve never told anyone the full extent of how bad it really is for me and I am hoping that somebody else out there who has this problem will maybe see this and feel a little better. When I had to go to Texas to say goodbye to my mom I missed a day up at the school when parents go help the teachers. Never did go back to that group. There were too few people in it.
See this is the really weird part. I was in musical productions, choir, and danced in high school. I was even on the debate team doing poetry and prose. I admit the debate team gig was really hard but I knew I would never see those people again so I could do that. With the rest of it I could do it because I couldn’t see the audience or was just one of a large group and could get lost in the crowd. I told you this was irrational! So that is a small taste of what it is like to be me. Here’s hoping none of my boys end up with this.